Trying to feel grateful…

is hard when you’re down in the dumps. For some reason, being ungrateful is easy (though it only adds more shame to the awfulness) and trying to be grateful is quite hard. For me, at least.

Depression and/or mental illness is very insular and internal, it takes all of our focus and turns it inwards. It’s easy to get lost in the fog in our heads and lose touch with the world around us. It’s not that I want to slip and fall backwards, I don’t (who actually wants that?!) but after spending a lifetime being depressed and self-destructive, it’s instinctual to do so.

I was watching a drama yesterday and the theme of the show was, being grateful for the people in our lives and our relationships with each other, as opposed to worshipping the material.

I don’t have a job anymore and my finances is a horror movie at the moment. Every little bump in the road seems cataclysmic. Radical acceptance is hard, turning the mind is harder and so I turn to reframing, or at least, gratefulness.

It’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have and all that we want than being thankful for all that we have and most of all, grateful for the people in our lives.

It doesn’t diminish or even negate my (and our) current struggles but it does help me feel more connected and less isolated.

Yes, I’m doing this on my own but I have support, people that love me and those that are my lighthouses, standing tall amidst the storm, beckoning me back home.

And it’s here, even in my struggles and in the uncertainty that the future holds, where I feel grateful. For all that I have and for all the people in my life. When I think about it that way, being grateful is easy.

Yesterday.

Resting is not defeat.

I’ve been diligently working on my poetry, sending out manuscripts and honestly, I’m trying to hold onto hope but I feel incredibly discouraged…not just about my poetry but with my life too.

This past week, hours and hours every day, I was bent over my computer, reading, writing, editing and my brain is fried at this point. So today, I’m resting.

It’s weird and I feel like I’m wasting the day when I should be doing something productive. I’m also boooooorreed but who wants to go outside in this weather (the sun, the heat, so many bugs…am I a vampire?!).

I read someone’s post on Instagram stating self-care is selfish. I had a knee-jerk reaction and instantly wanted to reply with paragraphs arguing it’s not. But it is true. Self-care is selfish.

However, I think selfish is a word that is rife with negative connotations and even now, I still disagree with self-care being selfish. Self-care is self-preservation.

We push ourselves harder and farther than we sometimes should and if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will.

Self-care is self-love. It’s about looking after ourselves and putting our mental and physical well-being first. Just because it looks different than other activities, it’s seen as laziness, selfishness, opulence and being high-maintenance. All of which are bullshit.

Today, I’m looking after myself and my mental well-being. I’m taking the day to rest, write stories, watch horror movies and yes, junk food will be eaten. Resting is not giving up, or admitting defeat.

I need to rest and so does my brain but am I giving up on my poetry? Hell. No. I have plans but for today, junk food, stories and movies are calling my name.

I’m not selfish or defeated. I’m resting.

Hair inspiration or should I get bangs again?

I’m planning to cut my hair back to this length…

but then I’m torn with wanting bangs again…

Oh, how I miss my old hair!

Who knew, after years of having fun with grey hair (and even more years spent coveting weird and outrageous hair colours), I’d die to return to my 2015 hair. But let’s face it, my hair is damaged. Beyond damaged…so having long hair at the moment is not an option.

This is my current hair inspiration–though let’s face it, I’m probably going to look more like a weird mushroom head or end up with a bowl cut.

But a girl can dream, right?

Had therapy today

and I feel refreshed and recharged. Still exhausted and working on my writing.

Things I’m loving:

Full review coming soon but if you love strawberry scented products and a hydrating mask, I recommend these!

Wish me luck…

Today is going to be a scary, adult and mature day for me. Oh, and it’s going to suck. We’ll see how it turns out. Fingers crossed.

Pre-Raphelite

If I am not seen, do I exist?

I’ve been working hard on my poetry, editing, revising and rewriting. I’m at that point where everything is shit and if I could press the delete button, I’d delete myself.

Radical acceptance or forceful denial?

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m currently struggling. With life? Trying not to relapse? With my new job? Okay, so life in general.

I’ve been trying to reframe my thoughts and tell myself, “accept what I can change and accept all that I can’t.”

Has it worked? Not really but I’m trying. I’m constantly turning my mind away from the negativity that threatens to engulf me and towards positivity. It’s hard, really hard and I’m discouraged. All I want to do is give up, give in and fade away. Go back to my old habits and self-destruct.

Am I lying to myself–convincing myself over and over how great things are (or at least, how great things should be)? Or am I practicing radical acceptance? I think I know which one I’m stuck in.

Hopefully this funk will leave soon and I can go back to talking about makeup and skincare! Here’s to hoping…