I’m back!

Life’s been pretty busy but also stale at the same time. It’s the same old routine, rinse and repeat, over and over.

I love routines but they can get quite dull after months of it. Do I blame the lockdowns and staying inside or is it me not wishing to do anything? At this point, I’m not sure. But I do know that I’m tired of it.

So this summer, I have decided to (safely) go out and do things. What sort of things? Pretty much just eat at food trucks and go for walks. Spend more time with my dad, be more intentional with my energy and be more present.

It’s exciting, right? I finally feel a spark of excitement after months of feeling anxious over life or nothing at all.

My first poetry book was published in March and it was both exhilarating and unnerving. I wrote it during such a painful period in my life and it was (and still is) extremely personal to me. But it was time to release it into the wild and let it go. When I have bad days, I read a few poems from it and know just how far I’ve come.

My second poetry book is set to be released next month. It was ready in April but I wasn’t ready to let it go. I tend to feel like I need to rush things but also hold them back at the same time. What a conundrum. But I’m ready now. This collection is a sequel (of sorts) to my first collection. Whereas my first book is dark and delves into one’s mental health and loneliness, this collection focuses on one’s light and resilience. Darkness and light. I wrote it during recovery threeish years ago and I am immensely proud of it.

It’s odd to publish my years-long journey from illness to recovery through poetry and let the world in on it. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on skincare. More than I have in the past. Being more intentional with what I put on my face and with sunscreen. I must confess, for years, I never used sunscreen and ouch. So now I’m trying to rectify that with daily usage. I wish I could go out and wear a face full of makeup—I miss it so much. But I don’t see the point when I cover half my face up with a mask. I’m planning on posting more here again. I miss it.

Anyway, I’m alive. I hope you’re well. Thanks for looking.

A.

The seasons’ change and so do we…

Hello. 

It’s been a while. How have you been? 

There have been so many changes in my life since my last post. Little victories along the way that I quietly celebrated, a few setbacks that I ruminated over. But the thing is, I’m happy. 

It’s been a year since I was in the outpatient program. I look back at how far I’ve come since February of last year and I’m taken aback. Last year, I was enduring and surviving, just trying to get by, day by day. This year, I’m living and thriving. I have happy days–days where I’m so damn grateful to be alive. 

I’ve finally decided to go back to school. The job market where I live is getting worse and I had no luck so far. I decided it was time to finish what I had started years ago. 

I had left university four years ago when my mental health deteriorated and I could barely function. Some days, I regret leaving (I could already have a degree by now), but other days, I know I had to leave to get where I am now. If I hadn’t left university, I would never have fallen apart even more, and I would never have entered treatment. 

I try to remind myself, even though I’m not where I want to be, I’ll get there, wherever I’m supposed to be–in time. I just have to have patience, something I struggle with. But I’m learning that life is all about patience. 

I’m back at university. It feels weird to be back. Everything seems so different, and yet, it feels as though nothing has changed. I’m older now, older than almost all of the students there, but I try not to focus too much on that fact. I’m there for myself and that’s all that matters. 

So that leads me to here. As winter ebbs away, and spring is slowly awakening, my life is in transition. Our lives are in transition, changing and blossoming with the seasons. 

I hope, wherever you are, that you are well. If your life is in transition, or not what you were expecting, remind yourself that it’ll take time. It may not be what you had envisioned for yourself but it’s yours, and you’ll get there. Best of luck. 

In thriving, 

A. 

Trying to find peace in a crevasse…

So here I am again, after a ‘brief’ time away (it was a month today, wasn’t it?). I have been working diligently and some days, not so diligently, on my poetry and because I can’t juggle, some areas of my life suffer the consequences. This is one of them.

It doesn’t help that lately, I’ve hit a writer’s wall–I wouldn’t call it a ‘block’ since it feels neverending and monolithic. Every time I try to write, I can’t seem to get the words to flow from my fingertips or when the words finally come, I compare myself to other writers and think, “I’m a terrible writer.”

Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not and I know, we should never compare ourselves to others but damn, I fall back into old habits so easily. It’s like a well-worn t-shirt with holes and rips in it, it’s comfortable but also utterly hideous. That should be the name of my autobiography.

So here I am again, back here where I feel the most comfortable to express myself.

Resting is not defeat.

I’ve been diligently working on my poetry, sending out manuscripts and honestly, I’m trying to hold onto hope but I feel incredibly discouraged…not just about my poetry but with my life too.

This past week, hours and hours every day, I was bent over my computer, reading, writing, editing and my brain is fried at this point. So today, I’m resting.

It’s weird and I feel like I’m wasting the day when I should be doing something productive. I’m also boooooorreed but who wants to go outside in this weather (the sun, the heat, so many bugs…am I a vampire?!).

I read someone’s post on Instagram stating self-care is selfish. I had a knee-jerk reaction and instantly wanted to reply with paragraphs arguing it’s not. But it is true. Self-care is selfish.

However, I think selfish is a word that is rife with negative connotations and even now, I still disagree with self-care being selfish. Self-care is self-preservation.

We push ourselves harder and farther than we sometimes should and if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will.

Self-care is self-love. It’s about looking after ourselves and putting our mental and physical well-being first. Just because it looks different than other activities, it’s seen as laziness, selfishness, opulence and being high-maintenance. All of which are bullshit.

Today, I’m looking after myself and my mental well-being. I’m taking the day to rest, write stories, watch horror movies and yes, junk food will be eaten. Resting is not giving up, or admitting defeat.

I need to rest and so does my brain but am I giving up on my poetry? Hell. No. I have plans but for today, junk food, stories and movies are calling my name.

I’m not selfish or defeated. I’m resting.

Wish me luck…

Today is going to be a scary, adult and mature day for me. Oh, and it’s going to suck. We’ll see how it turns out. Fingers crossed.

On Being a Perfectionist + Life Update

Perfectionism

 

A narrative exists in our culture where perfectionism is the epitome of efficiency and something we should all aspire to attain. Imagine doing everything perfectly and precisely, and living a clean and perfect life. Sounds great, right?

But let’s be honest, being a perfectionist sucks. It’s exhausting, it’s tiring and it takes a toll. I’m a lazy perfectionist. Does that even exist? I can assure you, it does. Let me explain what that looks like on me:

Trying to practice radical acceptance right now…

…but dang, it’s hard.

I had to get a criminal background check for this one position (did I tell you I got a job? Finally!) and my supervisor kept saying “a criminal record check (and once said “in all aspects”).”

So being me, I got a regular criminal record check, even though I was asked a total of eight times if I needed a vulnerable background check through the paperwork process. But I thought, no, she only said a regular one. I won’t be working in a position of power or around vulnerable persons. Oh, did I mention it cost me $70?!

I just called my supervisor and she said, “you didn’t get a vulnerable background check?” I freaked out (mentally, of course), started stress sweating (TMI?) but the manager spoke up and said a regular background check is good.

So I know it’s okay. I do. But I can’t help but fall back to regular (and extremely negative) habits. Telling myself I’m an idiot, deep shame, self-loathing, why am I incapable of making a proper decision?

There’s more but those are the most prevalent. I’m so good at negative self-talk and it sucks. I’ve done it for 3/4 of my life and trying to practice radical acceptance is so dang hard.

Radically accepting that

sure, maybe I misunderstood and should redo it,

yes it’ll cost me another $70

I’m not dumb or stupid, I may have made a mistake but I’m not the embodiment of it

I’m not a failure if I screwed up

I’m capable of making decisions, even if they implode terribly

It’ll be okay

I can fix whatever mistake I may have made. I’m allowed to screw up and it’s not a cataclysmic disaster. It’s hard, especially being a perfectionist and coming from a culture where the standards are set on a thin wire and even a small misstep becomes nuclear.

It’s okay though. It’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Even if I feel terrible right now and am internally freaking out. Radical acceptance is so hard but it’s freeing and little by little, as I write this, I’m chipping away at the negative self-talk. I’m okay and I’m free.

An Embarrassing Update in which I realize I’m Not Hypomanic, just a Twit.

If I could bury my head in the sand, trust me, I would. I’m more amused than anything, even though I did something less than brilliant, I still can’t help myself but laugh (at the situation and my twit moment).