On the trail…

My Heart…

Summer OOTD

The view from my balcony…

Birthday Girl

Excuse this self-indulgent post but I’m celebrating myself today. This birthday feels like a drag this year but I’m trying hard to be positive. Cheers to the old days when we were young and our biggest worries were if we could eat candy for breakfast and if our favourite television show was going to be a new episode or a re-run.

I’m back!

Life’s been pretty busy but also stale at the same time. It’s the same old routine, rinse and repeat, over and over.

I love routines but they can get quite dull after months of it. Do I blame the lockdowns and staying inside or is it me not wishing to do anything? At this point, I’m not sure. But I do know that I’m tired of it.

So this summer, I have decided to (safely) go out and do things. What sort of things? Pretty much just eat at food trucks and go for walks. Spend more time with my dad, be more intentional with my energy and be more present.

It’s exciting, right? I finally feel a spark of excitement after months of feeling anxious over life or nothing at all.

My first poetry book was published in March and it was both exhilarating and unnerving. I wrote it during such a painful period in my life and it was (and still is) extremely personal to me. But it was time to release it into the wild and let it go. When I have bad days, I read a few poems from it and know just how far I’ve come.

My second poetry book is set to be released next month. It was ready in April but I wasn’t ready to let it go. I tend to feel like I need to rush things but also hold them back at the same time. What a conundrum. But I’m ready now. This collection is a sequel (of sorts) to my first collection. Whereas my first book is dark and delves into one’s mental health and loneliness, this collection focuses on one’s light and resilience. Darkness and light. I wrote it during recovery threeish years ago and I am immensely proud of it.

It’s odd to publish my years-long journey from illness to recovery through poetry and let the world in on it. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on skincare. More than I have in the past. Being more intentional with what I put on my face and with sunscreen. I must confess, for years, I never used sunscreen and ouch. So now I’m trying to rectify that with daily usage. I wish I could go out and wear a face full of makeup—I miss it so much. But I don’t see the point when I cover half my face up with a mask. I’m planning on posting more here again. I miss it.

Anyway, I’m alive. I hope you’re well. Thanks for looking.

A.

Collective Trauma and 2020

What a wild ride 2020 has been so far. 

If you would have asked me five years ago where I thought I would be in 2020, it certainly was not here. I have learned a lot in five years. I have grieved, focused on my poetry, gone back to university, and above all else, put myself first. 

And now we’re living through a pandemic. We’re all dealing with stress and uncertainty. Every day is yet another hurdle, a challenge, and it’s draining. For me, for you, for all of us. 

At the end of December 2019, there were rumblings of a virus. I have to confess–I had thought it would be an epidemic and did not pay heed to the news. I was too busy getting ready to go back to university to finish my degree. I had so many things on my mind, and a pandemic was not one of them. 

But by mid-April, I knew. It was a pandemic–I could no longer ignore it. In-person classes were cancelled and classes were moved online. But still, the anxiety and uncertainty remained. 

When my city (and province) went on lockdown, there was a flurry of people buying toilet paper and stocking up on groceries. I’m sure you know about that. The anxiety of not knowing if we had enough groceries to last us a few days was tremendous. My family didn’t hoard anything since we knew that even in lockdown, we were still able to go to the grocery store. But it was still the fact that people were doing it that made me anxious. 

I know I’m not alone in feeling anxious and uncertain about the future. I know we’re all worried about our health and the health of our loved ones. These are hard times–for all of us. We’re all dealing with grief over what could have been and the plans we had for 2020. We’re all living through a collective, shared trauma. 

Aside from the pandemic, there is so much going on in the world. The Black Lives Matter movement, civil unrest, the 2020 US election, the wildfires. There are so many other things that are occurring right now but I am not going to be pedantic and list them all. It is just too much. 

I made a conscious decision to limit the time I spend watching the news. At the beginning of the year, I gobbled up the news earnestly but I became exhausted and angry. In making that decision, I still get angry (I should probably work on that) but I am not overwhelmed–well, as overwhelmed as before. I recommend staying engaged and up-to-date but be careful by what and how much you consume. 

I know many of us wish for this to be over and behind us. Every day I wake up, I try to be hopeful but it is getting harder and harder. I still try and I think, at this point in 2020, that’s all that should matter. 

So this is my update on how I am doing– not great but at least I’m still here. 

I hope you and your family are healthy and staying safe. 

Much love in these uncertain times, 

A. 

The seasons’ change and so do we…

Hello. 

It’s been a while. How have you been? 

There have been so many changes in my life since my last post. Little victories along the way that I quietly celebrated, a few setbacks that I ruminated over. But the thing is, I’m happy. 

It’s been a year since I was in the outpatient program. I look back at how far I’ve come since February of last year and I’m taken aback. Last year, I was enduring and surviving, just trying to get by, day by day. This year, I’m living and thriving. I have happy days–days where I’m so damn grateful to be alive. 

I’ve finally decided to go back to school. The job market where I live is getting worse and I had no luck so far. I decided it was time to finish what I had started years ago. 

I had left university four years ago when my mental health deteriorated and I could barely function. Some days, I regret leaving (I could already have a degree by now), but other days, I know I had to leave to get where I am now. If I hadn’t left university, I would never have fallen apart even more, and I would never have entered treatment. 

I try to remind myself, even though I’m not where I want to be, I’ll get there, wherever I’m supposed to be–in time. I just have to have patience, something I struggle with. But I’m learning that life is all about patience. 

I’m back at university. It feels weird to be back. Everything seems so different, and yet, it feels as though nothing has changed. I’m older now, older than almost all of the students there, but I try not to focus too much on that fact. I’m there for myself and that’s all that matters. 

So that leads me to here. As winter ebbs away, and spring is slowly awakening, my life is in transition. Our lives are in transition, changing and blossoming with the seasons. 

I hope, wherever you are, that you are well. If your life is in transition, or not what you were expecting, remind yourself that it’ll take time. It may not be what you had envisioned for yourself but it’s yours, and you’ll get there. Best of luck. 

In thriving, 

A. 

Reflecting Back on 2019

What a year this has been. It’s been a year that has dragged on, it’s been a year that has flown by.

When I left the Bad Situation in December 2018, I was terrified of 2019. What it would look like, what it would mean to me. I was afraid of the unknown and change. But for us to grow, our old selves must moult and die.

In the last dredges of spring 2018, I had willingly, hesitantly, worriedly added my name to the waitlist for an intensive therapy outpatient program. I waited and waited and by late summer, I received a call that I was next up on the list. I balked and asked to be pushed back until the next opening. I wasn’t ready, I didn’t have my affairs in order. I didn’t have my head on straight. I used all of these excuses to stay stuck and safe, even if it was slowly eating me alive.

Then in the fall of 2018, I received yet another call. It was time. I had to stop being afraid and take the plunge. I left the Bad Situation in December 2018, rushed to get my affairs in order, and finally, in January 2019, I entered treatment.

Half of 2019 was spent healing myself. I look back at treatment and am proud of myself. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was also the most rewarding. It was twelve weeks long. Twelve torturous weeks of walking through hell. Dealing with the past, facing consequences of a reckless life spent (mentally) ill, immersing myself in past traumas to finally face them and let them go. It was cathartic, and it wasn’t easy. But I survived. I found my strength and resilience. It was in me all along. I just didn’t know it until treatment.

I do miss treatment, I miss the structure, the cathartic verbal purging of my soul and mind, and I miss group therapy. But all good and bad things must come to an end. At the end of the twelve weeks, I ‘graduated’. I was healing and just starting my journey.

I look back at the beginning half of 2019 and try to remind my present self that I was so confident in my skin, I liked myself, I liked who I had become, I was strong.

It’s a struggle. A struggle to try and continue to be that person at the end of treatment. To remember that person. The person that exuded self-like and confidence. I did fall back into my old behaviours a few times this year, but that was to be expected. I’m still struggling and still learning how to execute all that I learned in treatment. 

Today…

 

I am here.