The seasons’ change and so do we…

Hello. 

It’s been a while. How have you been? 

There have been so many changes in my life since my last post. Little victories along the way that I quietly celebrated, a few setbacks that I ruminated over. But the thing is, I’m happy. 

It’s been a year since I was in the outpatient program. I look back at how far I’ve come since February of last year and I’m taken aback. Last year, I was enduring and surviving, just trying to get by, day by day. This year, I’m living and thriving. I have happy days–days where I’m so damn grateful to be alive. 

I’ve finally decided to go back to school. The job market where I live is getting worse and I had no luck so far. I decided it was time to finish what I had started years ago. 

I had left university four years ago when my mental health deteriorated and I could barely function. Some days, I regret leaving (I could already have a degree by now), but other days, I know I had to leave to get where I am now. If I hadn’t left university, I would never have fallen apart even more, and I would never have entered treatment. 

I try to remind myself, even though I’m not where I want to be, I’ll get there, wherever I’m supposed to be–in time. I just have to have patience, something I struggle with. But I’m learning that life is all about patience. 

I’m back at university. It feels weird to be back. Everything seems so different, and yet, it feels as though nothing has changed. I’m older now, older than almost all of the students there, but I try not to focus too much on that fact. I’m there for myself and that’s all that matters. 

So that leads me to here. As winter ebbs away, and spring is slowly awakening, my life is in transition. Our lives are in transition, changing and blossoming with the seasons. 

I hope, wherever you are, that you are well. If your life is in transition, or not what you were expecting, remind yourself that it’ll take time. It may not be what you had envisioned for yourself but it’s yours, and you’ll get there. Best of luck. 

In thriving, 

A. 

Frenetically Bored…

I’ve all but disappeared from social media and this blog. I scheduled posts but I haven’t written anything original or interesting in awhile. If I don’t post or don’t have an online presence, do I exist? This, of course, is an existential question for another day. But it’s one that I think about often. In our technological age, there is this pressure to constantly post and have an online presence, otherwise, we feel as though we don’t exist. Okay, so this is what I feel, at least. But that is not the point of this post. 

I have been filled with this frantic frenetic energy lately. Even now, as I type this, I’m fidgeting and shifting in my chair. I’m bored but I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I’m bored with being bored, I’m bored with life, I’m bored, bored, bored. And yes, I am boring too. 

Trying to find peace in a crevasse…

So here I am again, after a ‘brief’ time away (it was a month today, wasn’t it?). I have been working diligently and some days, not so diligently, on my poetry and because I can’t juggle, some areas of my life suffer the consequences. This is one of them.

It doesn’t help that lately, I’ve hit a writer’s wall–I wouldn’t call it a ‘block’ since it feels neverending and monolithic. Every time I try to write, I can’t seem to get the words to flow from my fingertips or when the words finally come, I compare myself to other writers and think, “I’m a terrible writer.”

Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not and I know, we should never compare ourselves to others but damn, I fall back into old habits so easily. It’s like a well-worn t-shirt with holes and rips in it, it’s comfortable but also utterly hideous. That should be the name of my autobiography.

So here I am again, back here where I feel the most comfortable to express myself.

Trying to feel grateful…

is hard when you’re down in the dumps. For some reason, being ungrateful is easy (though it only adds more shame to the awfulness) and trying to be grateful is quite hard. For me, at least.

Depression and/or mental illness is very insular and internal, it takes all of our focus and turns it inwards. It’s easy to get lost in the fog in our heads and lose touch with the world around us. It’s not that I want to slip and fall backwards, I don’t (who actually wants that?!) but after spending a lifetime being depressed and self-destructive, it’s instinctual to do so.

I was watching a drama yesterday and the theme of the show was, being grateful for the people in our lives and our relationships with each other, as opposed to worshipping the material.

I don’t have a job anymore and my finances is a horror movie at the moment. Every little bump in the road seems cataclysmic. Radical acceptance is hard, turning the mind is harder and so I turn to reframing, or at least, gratefulness.

It’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have and all that we want than being thankful for all that we have and most of all, grateful for the people in our lives.

It doesn’t diminish or even negate my (and our) current struggles but it does help me feel more connected and less isolated.

Yes, I’m doing this on my own but I have support, people that love me and those that are my lighthouses, standing tall amidst the storm, beckoning me back home.

And it’s here, even in my struggles and in the uncertainty that the future holds, where I feel grateful. For all that I have and for all the people in my life. When I think about it that way, being grateful is easy.

On Being a Perfectionist + Life Update

Perfectionism

 

A narrative exists in our culture where perfectionism is the epitome of efficiency and something we should all aspire to attain. Imagine doing everything perfectly and precisely, and living a clean and perfect life. Sounds great, right?

But let’s be honest, being a perfectionist sucks. It’s exhausting, it’s tiring and it takes a toll. I’m a lazy perfectionist. Does that even exist? I can assure you, it does. Let me explain what that looks like on me:

An Embarrassing Update in which I realize I’m Not Hypomanic, just a Twit.

If I could bury my head in the sand, trust me, I would. I’m more amused than anything, even though I did something less than brilliant, I still can’t help myself but laugh (at the situation and my twit moment).