Trying to feel grateful…

is hard when you’re down in the dumps. For some reason, being ungrateful is easy (though it only adds more shame to the awfulness) and trying to be grateful is quite hard. For me, at least.

Depression and/or mental illness is very insular and internal, it takes all of our focus and turns it inwards. It’s easy to get lost in the fog in our heads and lose touch with the world around us. It’s not that I want to slip and fall backwards, I don’t (who actually wants that?!) but after spending a lifetime being depressed and self-destructive, it’s instinctual to do so.

I was watching a drama yesterday and the theme of the show was, being grateful for the people in our lives and our relationships with each other, as opposed to worshipping the material.

I don’t have a job anymore and my finances is a horror movie at the moment. Every little bump in the road seems cataclysmic. Radical acceptance is hard, turning the mind is harder and so I turn to reframing, or at least, gratefulness.

It’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have and all that we want than being thankful for all that we have and most of all, grateful for the people in our lives.

It doesn’t diminish or even negate my (and our) current struggles but it does help me feel more connected and less isolated.

Yes, I’m doing this on my own but I have support, people that love me and those that are my lighthouses, standing tall amidst the storm, beckoning me back home.

And it’s here, even in my struggles and in the uncertainty that the future holds, where I feel grateful. For all that I have and for all the people in my life. When I think about it that way, being grateful is easy.

Radical acceptance or forceful denial?

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m currently struggling. With life? Trying not to relapse? With my new job? Okay, so life in general.

I’ve been trying to reframe my thoughts and tell myself, “accept what I can change and accept all that I can’t.”

Has it worked? Not really but I’m trying. I’m constantly turning my mind away from the negativity that threatens to engulf me and towards positivity. It’s hard, really hard and I’m discouraged. All I want to do is give up, give in and fade away. Go back to my old habits and self-destruct.

Am I lying to myself–convincing myself over and over how great things are (or at least, how great things should be)? Or am I practicing radical acceptance? I think I know which one I’m stuck in.

Hopefully this funk will leave soon and I can go back to talking about makeup and skincare! Here’s to hoping…

Momentously Small: Wearing a Skirt

If you’ve read my post about finally being okay, after all of these years, then you know I’m trying to come alive and be present in my own life. For the most part, it’s working. Other days, I fall back into my old ways but I catch myself, each time, which is the most important part.

Since the last two weeks of group therapy, I’ve started to dress differently. In grade 8, something happened and I changed how I dressed. I used to wear clothes that fit me, skirts, t-shirts; I wasn’t ashamed of my body, I wasn’t disgusted with it. Then grade 8 happened and I couldn’t bear to wear skirts anymore. Dresses, yes but they had to be long and my clothing, for the most part, had to be loose fitting and baggy.

So I always wore clothing that was two or three sizes too big and wondered why I was so fat. I didn’t like when my clothing hugged my body, with all of the messages I heard growing up (I was fat, I was ugly, I needed to diet. I had any bulges painfully pinched and laughed at), maybe I really was disgusting and gross.

Trying to practice radical acceptance right now…

…but dang, it’s hard.

I had to get a criminal background check for this one position (did I tell you I got a job? Finally!) and my supervisor kept saying “a criminal record check (and once said “in all aspects”).”

So being me, I got a regular criminal record check, even though I was asked a total of eight times if I needed a vulnerable background check through the paperwork process. But I thought, no, she only said a regular one. I won’t be working in a position of power or around vulnerable persons. Oh, did I mention it cost me $70?!

I just called my supervisor and she said, “you didn’t get a vulnerable background check?” I freaked out (mentally, of course), started stress sweating (TMI?) but the manager spoke up and said a regular background check is good.

So I know it’s okay. I do. But I can’t help but fall back to regular (and extremely negative) habits. Telling myself I’m an idiot, deep shame, self-loathing, why am I incapable of making a proper decision?

There’s more but those are the most prevalent. I’m so good at negative self-talk and it sucks. I’ve done it for 3/4 of my life and trying to practice radical acceptance is so dang hard.

Radically accepting that

sure, maybe I misunderstood and should redo it,

yes it’ll cost me another $70

I’m not dumb or stupid, I may have made a mistake but I’m not the embodiment of it

I’m not a failure if I screwed up

I’m capable of making decisions, even if they implode terribly

It’ll be okay

I can fix whatever mistake I may have made. I’m allowed to screw up and it’s not a cataclysmic disaster. It’s hard, especially being a perfectionist and coming from a culture where the standards are set on a thin wire and even a small misstep becomes nuclear.

It’s okay though. It’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Even if I feel terrible right now and am internally freaking out. Radical acceptance is so hard but it’s freeing and little by little, as I write this, I’m chipping away at the negative self-talk. I’m okay and I’m free.

Momentously Small: I’m okay and I’m fine.

Something I learned recently is to celebrate the little victories and pay attention to the things I otherwise take for granted. Basic enough, right? But for some reason, I always forget that it isn’t the big things that should be measured, it’s the little things.

It’s the little things that can break my heart, fill it up again, make me laugh or cry. It’s the little things that matter. It’s the little things that make up the big ones and it’s the little waves that can turn into a tsunami. It’s the little victories I always forget, overlooking them while I wait for bigger fireworks.

 

Until recently, I used to always say, I’m okay. Things are okay. Nothing new. It was dismissive and empty, hollowed out words, void of what I was really feeling, what I was currently living. I think we all do it, when someone asks how we’re doing, we just give non-committal answers to move the conversation along. Because at the end of the day, there aren’t that many people who want to hear our real answer, especially when they’re being polite.

hello 30, how are you?

It’s a dreary May day, the sun is hiding behind the clouds, rain drizzling from the grey sky and there is a slight (almost imperceptible) chill to the warm air.

Today is May 24th. I’ve always loved that number (Christmas Eve, anyone?!) but my absolute favourite number is 25. Why? Because awesome things fall on the 25th. Christmas, my birthday, Christmas, my birthday, you get the point.

Tomorrow is May 25th, my birthday (cue internal meltdown in 3, 2, 1…). Though this year, I’m really dreading it. Honestly, I think all of us, at one point in our lives, start to dread our birthdays.

Just think about it, sure, our hearts grow wiser but damn, wrinkles, grey hair, facing the daily ageism of a society that perpetuates young is better, a culture which feeds on the narrative that your life starts to end once you hit your late twenties. It’s a tidal wave against self-acceptance, a tsunami against liking ourselves.

 

Of course, there’s going to be some of you out there that will tell me, who cares? I can already hear a few of my friends tell me off for writing all of that. And that’s the thing, I don’t care. Most days. The caveat is that there are those days where I try not to care but I do. I don’t shame myself for feeling that way, what’s the point of making yourself feel worse when you already feel terrible about yourself?

My birthday is tomorrow (can I officially start screaming in terror now?) and I am trying hard not to overthink it.

Today, I’m okay. Tomorrow? Who knows? I’m probably going to feel horrible for an hour or two and then just realize, why fight something I can’t change? Radical acceptance has really helped me move forward and see the positives in my life. It’s one of those things that’s hard to do but also very empowering. 

May 21, OOTD

I’m starting to find my style, or at least, what I think I look good in.