Trying to feel grateful…

is hard when you’re down in the dumps. For some reason, being ungrateful is easy (though it only adds more shame to the awfulness) and trying to be grateful is quite hard. For me, at least.

Depression and/or mental illness is very insular and internal, it takes all of our focus and turns it inwards. It’s easy to get lost in the fog in our heads and lose touch with the world around us. It’s not that I want to slip and fall backwards, I don’t (who actually wants that?!) but after spending a lifetime being depressed and self-destructive, it’s instinctual to do so.

I was watching a drama yesterday and the theme of the show was, being grateful for the people in our lives and our relationships with each other, as opposed to worshipping the material.

I don’t have a job anymore and my finances is a horror movie at the moment. Every little bump in the road seems cataclysmic. Radical acceptance is hard, turning the mind is harder and so I turn to reframing, or at least, gratefulness.

It’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have and all that we want than being thankful for all that we have and most of all, grateful for the people in our lives.

It doesn’t diminish or even negate my (and our) current struggles but it does help me feel more connected and less isolated.

Yes, I’m doing this on my own but I have support, people that love me and those that are my lighthouses, standing tall amidst the storm, beckoning me back home.

And it’s here, even in my struggles and in the uncertainty that the future holds, where I feel grateful. For all that I have and for all the people in my life. When I think about it that way, being grateful is easy.

Resting is not defeat.

I’ve been diligently working on my poetry, sending out manuscripts and honestly, I’m trying to hold onto hope but I feel incredibly discouraged…not just about my poetry but with my life too.

This past week, hours and hours every day, I was bent over my computer, reading, writing, editing and my brain is fried at this point. So today, I’m resting.

It’s weird and I feel like I’m wasting the day when I should be doing something productive. I’m also boooooorreed but who wants to go outside in this weather (the sun, the heat, so many bugs…am I a vampire?!).

I read someone’s post on Instagram stating self-care is selfish. I had a knee-jerk reaction and instantly wanted to reply with paragraphs arguing it’s not. But it is true. Self-care is selfish.

However, I think selfish is a word that is rife with negative connotations and even now, I still disagree with self-care being selfish. Self-care is self-preservation.

We push ourselves harder and farther than we sometimes should and if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will.

Self-care is self-love. It’s about looking after ourselves and putting our mental and physical well-being first. Just because it looks different than other activities, it’s seen as laziness, selfishness, opulence and being high-maintenance. All of which are bullshit.

Today, I’m looking after myself and my mental well-being. I’m taking the day to rest, write stories, watch horror movies and yes, junk food will be eaten. Resting is not giving up, or admitting defeat.

I need to rest and so does my brain but am I giving up on my poetry? Hell. No. I have plans but for today, junk food, stories and movies are calling my name.

I’m not selfish or defeated. I’m resting.

The past doesn’t define you.

Nor does it confine you to live a certain way.

Trying to practice radical acceptance right now…

…but dang, it’s hard.

I had to get a criminal background check for this one position (did I tell you I got a job? Finally!) and my supervisor kept saying “a criminal record check (and once said “in all aspects”).”

So being me, I got a regular criminal record check, even though I was asked a total of eight times if I needed a vulnerable background check through the paperwork process. But I thought, no, she only said a regular one. I won’t be working in a position of power or around vulnerable persons. Oh, did I mention it cost me $70?!

I just called my supervisor and she said, “you didn’t get a vulnerable background check?” I freaked out (mentally, of course), started stress sweating (TMI?) but the manager spoke up and said a regular background check is good.

So I know it’s okay. I do. But I can’t help but fall back to regular (and extremely negative) habits. Telling myself I’m an idiot, deep shame, self-loathing, why am I incapable of making a proper decision?

There’s more but those are the most prevalent. I’m so good at negative self-talk and it sucks. I’ve done it for 3/4 of my life and trying to practice radical acceptance is so dang hard.

Radically accepting that

sure, maybe I misunderstood and should redo it,

yes it’ll cost me another $70

I’m not dumb or stupid, I may have made a mistake but I’m not the embodiment of it

I’m not a failure if I screwed up

I’m capable of making decisions, even if they implode terribly

It’ll be okay

I can fix whatever mistake I may have made. I’m allowed to screw up and it’s not a cataclysmic disaster. It’s hard, especially being a perfectionist and coming from a culture where the standards are set on a thin wire and even a small misstep becomes nuclear.

It’s okay though. It’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. Even if I feel terrible right now and am internally freaking out. Radical acceptance is so hard but it’s freeing and little by little, as I write this, I’m chipping away at the negative self-talk. I’m okay and I’m free.

Momentously Small: I’m okay and I’m fine.

Something I learned recently is to celebrate the little victories and pay attention to the things I otherwise take for granted. Basic enough, right? But for some reason, I always forget that it isn’t the big things that should be measured, it’s the little things.

It’s the little things that can break my heart, fill it up again, make me laugh or cry. It’s the little things that matter. It’s the little things that make up the big ones and it’s the little waves that can turn into a tsunami. It’s the little victories I always forget, overlooking them while I wait for bigger fireworks.

 

Until recently, I used to always say, I’m okay. Things are okay. Nothing new. It was dismissive and empty, hollowed out words, void of what I was really feeling, what I was currently living. I think we all do it, when someone asks how we’re doing, we just give non-committal answers to move the conversation along. Because at the end of the day, there aren’t that many people who want to hear our real answer, especially when they’re being polite.

Remind yourself:

 

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This is something I wrote for myself on a very dark day; wishing to remind myself that even if it doesn’t feel this way, there is strength in surviving through the darkness.

When life gets too much, take photos of flowers.