Perfectionism
A narrative exists in our culture where perfectionism is the epitome of efficiency and something we should all aspire to attain. Imagine doing everything perfectly and precisely, and living a clean and perfect life. Sounds great, right?
But let’s be honest, being a perfectionist sucks. It’s exhausting, it’s tiring and it takes a toll. I’m a lazy perfectionist. Does that even exist? I can assure you, it does. Let me explain what that looks like on me:
I never really thought I was a perfectionist. I’m lazy, I looove to relax, procrastinate, avoid and live in a constant state of perpetual chaos and denial. It has its moments of being fun and other times, not so much.
But back to my point. I always assumed (woe is me) that perfectionists were the opposite of everything I was. Clean, organized, they face challenges head-on and don’t avoid. I just thought that when it comes to certain things in my life, things had/have to be meticulously done until I’m satisfied. Call me foolish but I didn’t think that was what perfectionism was.
I didn’t realize I was a perfectionist until I went into (outpatient group therapy) treatment a few months ago. There, I was called out (quite often) that I was filling out the hand-outs with precision, colour coding (okay, but having pencil bags full of different colours, markers, highlighters, white-out, sticky notes etc. is integral to writing good notes and doing “homework”. Don’t fight me on this, it’s one of my truths.) and asking questions for clarifications. I even refused to fill out our hand-outs until I was satisfied I would do it perfectly…what perfectly was, who knows? There were no ‘wrong answers’ (except when we had to make a list of our healthy vs unhealthy shame) so why did I feel this weighty pressure to do everything to the best of my abilities?
- Was it the residual effects of the abusive/toxic relationships I had left (leaving me confused and scared to do things on my own without approval) before entering treatment? (“I’m wrong, I’m always wrong.”)
- Was it my culture of doing the best, even though it won’t live up to anyone’s high expectations? (“I’m a failure.”)
- Was it just me, my own head, and the belief that I have to be perfect and everything I do, has to be just as perfect? (“I’ll never be good enough.”)
It’s this dissatisfaction with myself, my abilities and everything I do that follows me around; a ghost that is always looking over my shoulder, haunting me and waiting to pull me back down.
It became a running joke in the group that I was a perfectionist. I remember one time, I was wondering aloud if I should do X or Y, and asking for specific clarifications when someone joked, “stop being such a perfectionist, just do it!” We would laugh and I felt relieved to know that I didn’t have to be perfect there, in the safety of the group.
Yet, the moment I left, the pressure returned. Returned even more than before. Before I would avoid and distract myself with the chaos in my head but after treatment, my head was cleared and I was left with this truth: that maybe, just maybe, this is all I’ll ever be. And that is both terrifying and just not good enough for me.
I could do anything I want if I just set my mind to the task. The issue is that I won’t do anything if I think I won’t do it perfectly. So I never start projects or I never finish them. I’m writing so many posts and deleting them, so many fictional stories and erasing the black inky words. I try and try but the ghost over my shoulder whispers, “you’re terrible,” “were you ever good?” “why are you like this?” “why can’t you just be as good as everyone else?” Always comparing myself to a non-existent, unachievable and unattainable idol that I seemingly worship.
So I struggle. Struggle with wanting a perfect body and doing extreme things to try and attain that perfection. I put so much pressure on myself to get things right (and live a perfect life), even though life isn’t a mathematical equation that has one right answer that can easily be solved.
I’m messy and disorganized so that doesn’t make a real perfectionist, right? See, even here, being a perfectionist isn’t perfect enough. I honestly believe that I’m not a good enough perfectionist. How stupid is that?
Life Update
So I got a job!
It isn’t what I had wanted but it’s a good job…or at least, that’s what everyone keeps telling me. The reason I’m so damn ambivalent about it is that I’m not doing a good enough job. After the first shift, I went to the supervisor and told her it wasn’t for me, trying to quit. See? There I go, following the same equation: try, I’m not good enough, quit.
She was confused and had asked for more clarification and of course, being an adult crybaby (that cries over everything and nothing), I started to tear up and I told her I wasn’t doing well, I wasn’t good enough for the job and I don’t think even I can be good enough to do well there. She told me it was my first shift and she would give me the “easier” shifts to start off.
Yet, still…I’m dissatisfied. I project this dissatisfaction on the job, blaming it for being so unhappy. But the thing is (and don’t you dare tell anyone this), I’m dissatisfied with myself. It’s my first week and I’m still struggling to do the job. I still need help and I still ask questions and am unsure about everything. I hate that.
My dad says I’m putting so much pressure on myself right now. Thinking I need to be perfect when I’m still learning “the ropes” and I agree. Yet, all of my coworkers and supervisors expect me to have everything down and to sail the crashing waves smoothly and confidently. I know I have issues to work on regarding confidence and the PTSD of the toxic and abusive relationships that left me a nervous wreck.
But I was and still do question myself and my abilities, thinking I’m not good enough. Believing I’m doing a terrible job. Maybe I am or maybe I’m doing the best I can but I’m not living up to the skyscraper expectations I’ve placed before myself. This leads me to getting lost in my head; I’ve been told so many times I need to get out of my head because I am my own worst enemy.
So this is where I find myself today. About to head into work to work the Shit Shift™, as it’s collectively known as; jittery and anxious, self-doubting and stomach in knots. I can handle whatever comes, but damn, I still think I’m going to make colossal mistakes. I still worry and I still feel this immense pressure to do things absolutely perfect.
There you have it. I’m a lazy perfectionist: lazy and messy at home but a perfectionist in everything I do. I got a job after being off for months and months. I’m both happy and unhappy, nervous and trying to be content. I’m working on radically accepting the situation and myself. When it doesn’t work, I try to reframe the situation and when even that doesn’t work, I “turn” my mind back to radically accepting what I can and cannot change.
I hope today goes well for me, I just want one win, Universe! I hope today is going well for you and I hope you get a win too. Thank you, as always, for reading. Take care of yourself.
Much love xoxo,
Annie.
Honeysuckle Haiku 